Disjointed Thoughts

It has been one year since I received notification that my VISA was approved to come to New Zealand (give or take a few days) and I certainly don't feel like the person who received that email anymore. There have been lots of positive changes, but also a lot of negative and now 10 months after coming to this country I find myself wondering what path to take next and feeling a lot of apprehension as well as excitement as to what is to come.

Going to Australia next has been the most conclusive decision that has been discussed so far. Mostly because the money one can potentially earn there is more both as a per dollar basis as well as in the world wide economy. But also because I still feel that New Zealand hasn't been the kindest to me. I am not sure what basis this holds as even though I have found the job market hard here I have had a number of opportunities present themselves that have never been at the right moment. I feel sometimes that its been hard to meet people, and yet the people that I have made connections with here are really amazing people who I do hope to have connections with for many years to come. I have found myself wondering if the struggle that I have found here has been more to do with my own uncertainty as to what my path should be, than what the country as provided for me.

So I find myself at a crossroads. When I think about leaving New Zealand I find myself feeling a little bit heartbroken that things did not go better here. I feel frustrated with myself for a number of the decisions I made in regards to work and training.

When I think about going back to Vancouver I find myself feeling apprehensive and uncertain. It doesn't feel right to be going back to Vancouver. Although to pursue school again Canada is the only logical answer due to International Student fees, and lets face it the rest of Canada is way too cold in the winter!

When I think about Australia, I fear that I will apply the same hesitations to it that I did to New Zealand. I know that I held back in making lasting friendships or finding jobs that could become careers here because it has always be juggled around whether we would stay or not. I feel that I have limited my potential because I have had the shadow of having to leave it all behind looming over me.

So I have found myself feeling quite stuck lately. I have been more teary than I would like to admit, and have been having a really tough go of finding my footing.

I would like to be able to flip a coin and trust the universe as to what path to take, but unfortunately I am just not that sort of person.

Moving and setting up in a new place was harder than I expected. And 10 months in I fear I don't have the energy to do it again.